Hello World December 31, 2007

3:11pm

Long time my friend missed you. Sorry for not keeping you up to date with the ‘happenings’ in my life. Ok, so I guess happening is not the right word so we’ll go with ‘drama’ for the time being which suits way far better.

To be honest it’s pretty much the same stuff you know, as if a day of my life has a length of a song and it keeps on repeating itself. Parents remain the same. I do thank the friendly helpful comments I got in my blog for my last update but I don’t want another big scandal to happen. I know the relationship with my parents is really bad but still it’s so complicated just telling someone isn’t enough. Right now even I’m pretty much in a fight with my dad he’s shouting off at me for something I didn’t do. I hope I don’t get a blow this time. Or he comes and smashes my laptop ‘cause that’s my dad he does stuff like that quite often when he’s mad. I still haven’t got used to this stuff coming from them. I’m still scared. I do fight back sometimes but with words never physically. But every time I end up hating myself and my life and blah blah blah I don’t want to bore you with those stuff again but since you are the only helpful friend I got, I got to right this down and loose this heavy burden of carrying them everywhere I go.

Breathe in…

Breathe out…

Hello World…

Time for another repetition though I hope for the song to change.  I’m sick of hearing the same song every day.

PS: Thanks for the text it helped

Nothing New December 26, 2007

12.32am

It’s hard to live with a mother and father who is always out of control. Since I was a kid they used to shout at me and hit and beat me. It has become a natural thing for me to live here with the blows coming and the hurt and pain as if I was only born to this place to experience pain. Tonight was just another night. I was just now in the kitchen trying to have some food when my dad came and tried to on the automatic fan and it started swinging. He blamed me for making it swing other than stay still so he got mad at me when I said I didn’t do it and hit me hard across the face with the remote. I still have ice on my face and my diary is getting wet with the melting ice on my hand. I better go and take care of my face if I want to keep up my fake appearance of being happy and living a worry free life. Goodnight my only friend, my diary. Oh yes and I’ll try to keep my mind of him and my parents but I can’t make any promises.

Untitled December 26, 2007

9:00pm
I’m sitting here just staring at the phone on the table. Twirling it with my fingers, sat there as if transfixed by the circles the phone was making while i kept it rotating on the table. What has just happened? Another fight? I just bursted out again what I tried to keep inside. Where was he the past 72 hours? He only needs me when he is bored. I’m just a forgotten person when he is happy. As if I’m his backup plan or something. But why on earth have I waited all this time. Yeah, he would ask me if he I ever said this to him ‘Why didn’t you at least even send me a msg’ But do you know why? I waited for him to make a move after what happened the other day. I wanted to make sure that that wasn’t the only thing he was after.

9:18pm
I just dialed his number and got the busy tone. Dammit! Why can’t I leave him alone? He made it pretty clear that he was angry. Why can’t I just stay away from him arrrrrrggghhhhhhhh!!!!

10:30pm
Arrgghhhhhh now we are really fighting here…. Why can’t he just leave me alone?? YES I LOVE HIM that’s why I’m like this. But I can’t trust him that’s why I’m still with him! Aren’t you with her too?? Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggghhhhhhhhh what do u want from me?

Crash December 24, 2007

24^th December 2007 – 8:48pm

Dear Diary,

Life’s pretty much turned a bad route these days. I feel like the ground moving much faster than I can steer the wheel.  I gasp for air, but end up choking on the heavy bad fumes of the gases passing vehicles left. I try hard to breathe, but end up suffocating on the ghastly air surrounding me. I drive carefully, but every time I steer around the bend, I nearly end up crashing against the walls. I’m speeding when I’m not. And when I try to hit the brakes, I let myself obey the 2^nd voice in my head and disobey the reality. I can’t do anything right. I know the right path but I end up on the wrong. I’m not stupid neither wise. I’m just a girl driven crazy by him.

NTS December 24, 2007

Note to Self: Never EVER believe him again.

Dear Diary December 23, 2007

Dear Diary,

Today’s another weird day. Last night I dreamt myself trapped in a fire trying to escape. But then again I woke up and my hands automatically reached for the cell lying under the pillow. I calmed myself down with the now-usual wake up message I found. But this time I couldn’t hold myself back from dialing and I let-out what was bothering me. Ah, and at last I slept. My mind was free. I slept peacefully.

I’m fully awake now and it’s going to be 4 o’clock here. I don’t know what he wants from me now. He wants me to go there. Ah, the memories. But every time we go there we end up in our birth costumes. Does he still want the same from me? I am deranged, I know. By him. And I can’t hold myself back when he asks me. Let’s see what happens. Maybe he changed, maybe not.

There’s only one way to know.

By going there.

Dear Diary December 22, 2007

Dear Diary,

Since then my heart has been numb forever. I became harsh, never knew

how to care. Became ignorant and cold. I couldn’t soften up myself for anyone. I tried, yes I tried but he took it away from me. He took away the sun that was shining to my happy life and cast over a thunder storm over my world. Every day I wake up to the cold numbness in my body. I spend the whole day living in an unknown planet where I don’t know to differentiate between right and wrong. At night I dream of the scary places I’m in, trying to find a way to get out. I feel as my days are over. Feel like I’m living someone else’s life sometimes. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore or why I am doing it. My mind is about to explode to something far worse than a nuclear bomb. Every day I force myself to be someone I’m not as if there’s a spirit inside controlling me. What has happened to me? I cannot find the keys to the doors where I shut out the rest of the world behind. I’m living in my own world of misery, pain and agony where no one else except me hears the cries within. And I’m falling again into the same old shit which I thought I cleaned off some time ago.

But this time, I’m damn sure of what I’m getting into.

Just not sure if I can ever get out of it.