Nothing New December 26, 2007

12.32am

It’s hard to live with a mother and father who is always out of control. Since I was a kid they used to shout at me and hit and beat me. It has become a natural thing for me to live here with the blows coming and the hurt and pain as if I was only born to this place to experience pain. Tonight was just another night. I was just now in the kitchen trying to have some food when my dad came and tried to on the automatic fan and it started swinging. He blamed me for making it swing other than stay still so he got mad at me when I said I didn’t do it and hit me hard across the face with the remote. I still have ice on my face and my diary is getting wet with the melting ice on my hand. I better go and take care of my face if I want to keep up my fake appearance of being happy and living a worry free life. Goodnight my only friend, my diary. Oh yes and I’ll try to keep my mind of him and my parents but I can’t make any promises.

Untitled December 26, 2007

9:00pm
I’m sitting here just staring at the phone on the table. Twirling it with my fingers, sat there as if transfixed by the circles the phone was making while i kept it rotating on the table. What has just happened? Another fight? I just bursted out again what I tried to keep inside. Where was he the past 72 hours? He only needs me when he is bored. I’m just a forgotten person when he is happy. As if I’m his backup plan or something. But why on earth have I waited all this time. Yeah, he would ask me if he I ever said this to him ‘Why didn’t you at least even send me a msg’ But do you know why? I waited for him to make a move after what happened the other day. I wanted to make sure that that wasn’t the only thing he was after.

9:18pm
I just dialed his number and got the busy tone. Dammit! Why can’t I leave him alone? He made it pretty clear that he was angry. Why can’t I just stay away from him arrrrrrggghhhhhhhh!!!!

10:30pm
Arrgghhhhhh now we are really fighting here…. Why can’t he just leave me alone?? YES I LOVE HIM that’s why I’m like this. But I can’t trust him that’s why I’m still with him! Aren’t you with her too?? Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggghhhhhhhhh what do u want from me?